The Nature of Shame
And how compassion is the antidote
Shame is a silent killer.
It kills our drive for life. It destroys our trust in ourselves. It disconnects us from our bodies and experiences.
Shame is a silent killer. One that exists within all of us.
Learning to free myself from shame was a long journey. For so long, shame invaded my cells like a parasite.
The first time I remember naming shame was when I was recovering from Lyme disease. I felt so shameful about being sick, like it was something I chose and something I should be punished for.
As the years ticked by and my healing journey unraveled, shame showed itself in more places. I felt shame for sexual assaults I went through even though I was the victim in those situations. I felt shame for mistakes I made, for cringey ways I acted in the past, for times I didn’t say things in the exact right way. I felt shame for not having everything figured out, for needing to learn more, for not being perfect. I felt shame for living, for breathing, for surviving. I felt shame in so many aspects of my life that it was like shame became who I was.
Shame choked me, made me feel like I couldn’t breathe, buried me alive. Shame is a silent killer, and I let it suffocate me.
Until I chose to do something differently. Until I learned to meet shame with compassion. Compassion is the antidote to shame, and it’s what will save you from yourself. I met myself with compassion, and the shame started to unravel. I had grown accustomed to sensing shame and almost immediately shoving the emotion back into a dark corner of my mind, never to be seen again. I started to retrieve these banished pieces of shame and meet them, one by one. I learned to look at the things I was most ashamed of and soften my gaze from one of judgement to one of compassion. I learned that shame dissolved when compassion was brought into play, that shame was a choice, one that I could un-choose when I was ready. I learned to love the parts of myself that I was ashamed of, and I brought myself back to life.
Shame is a silent killer, but it is also an invitation. Shame invites us to get brave, to look at what we’re ashamed of. Shame invites us to forgive ourselves, because if we don’t, we’ll be stuffing parts of ourselves into dark mental corners for the rest of our lives. And shame that is not exhumed will eventually start to eat you from the inside out. Shame burrows into the cells, the joints, the muscles, the organs. Shame must be allowed to dissipate, or it will become a somatic experience, perhaps of pain, perhaps of dis-ease, perhaps of dysfunction. For example, for some, fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue may have a deep connection to unresolved shame. For others, digestive dysfunction may be related to undigested shame. Still for others, sexual dysfunction, such as arousal issues or pelvic pain may be related to shame stuck in the tissue. The examples are endless. The point is, I have always found that on a healing journey, at some point we have to address shame to come back into coherence with the body, mind, and soul. Shame becomes part of us until we get brave enough to look at it and let it dissolve.
Shame is a powerful emotion, one that can either trap us or liberate us, depending on our willingness to meet ourselves in it.
Shame may feel like a silent killer, but it can also be a liberator. There are few quicker paths to liberation than accepting and releasing the shame you’ve held onto, likely for far too long.
Finally, shame keeps you as a stranger in your body. As long as shame is filling your cells, you cannot truly come home to yourself. Therefore, bringing compassion to shame is a powerful way to create space in your body for your homecoming.
And truly, it doesn’t serve you to allow shame to take up so much space. Of course, it’s uncomfortable to confront shame and do the work to dig yourself out from it. But the alternative is living a half life, unable to truly land in your body, your home, because shame is taking up so much space and life force energy within you. And we all deserve more than that.
Shame is human. But it is not a part of the human experience that is unchangeable. I believe that we are here to live the best life possible. To achieve that, most of us have a fair amount of self-reflection and healing work to do in order to have the space and capacity to accept that best possible life. The point though is that a joyful, loving life is possible. A life without shame is possible. Shame is human, but it’s not something we have to carry. It’s learned. And it can be unlearned. Achieving a life of joy and fulfillment is going to involve learning to release shame. Because you know what’s even more human than shame? Love, joy, hope, community, and connection. And those things are worth coming home to, even if it involves facing shame.
What’s been your experience with shame? Let me know in the comments.
If you want to reflect deeper:
Where are you holding shame in your body? Are there any aches, pains, or points of tension that are related to unexpressed shame?
What do you feel ashamed about in your life? Can you bring compassion and kindness to those places of shame?
If you were free of shame, what would you do with your life?