When life has been tough

Read this for a reminder that there’s always a way through

Life has been hard lately.

Things recently started to calm down, giving me enough space to finally acknowledge: life has been hard lately.

In truth, life has been hard more often than not for several years.

The last 3.5 years for me have looked like: going through major trauma which reactivated deeper layers of former trauma, going through a major healing process to resolve the trauma loops and layers, all while running a business, supporting others in their healing journeys, going through a major identity shift, growing a relationship and undertaking the process of building and healing relationally. It’s been a lot.

I have truly died a thousand deaths in the last few years. I have been through the spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, and relational wringers. And I share this not to ask you to pity me or to be in awe of me or anything like that. I share this to remind you that life has tough seasons.

Life has tough seasons.

Seasons when it feels like a never ending shit-show. Seasons when nothing happens the way you planned. Seasons when you don’t even know who you are any more. Seasons when you question everything you believe, when you crack open the layers of performance and ego that are hiding your soul light and you crumble, fall, rest, and rediscover who you are.

Before this season of tough, part of me romanticized the hard times. I would think back to the “Lyme years” as I call them and romanticize them. I didn’t romanticize the pain or the illness or any of that. But I romanticized the amazing rebirth and transformation that I went through as I quantum leaped out of illness.

As this season is coming to an end, I am not romanticizing it. Transformation is necessary and often grueling. Quantum leaps are real, but they don’t happen out of thin air. They happen after weeks-months-years in Cerridwen’s cauldron, soaking in the knowledge of the unknown / unseen within and around you. After you’ve been under the intense pressure of change, like carbon becomes diamond after its endured strong pressure. Transformation is real and necessary, and after we complete the alchemical process of becoming, it often feels like the greatest gift of our lives. But in the “during” it’s tough, painful, and can feel never ending.

If you’re in a process of transformation, no matter where in the process you are, here is a reminder you probably need to hear: It will end. I don’t know when or how, but I can promise that it will.

Sometimes the process of transformation ends with a bang, with surprise because you did not see that coming, and then all of a sudden it’s over, the transformation alchemized and you are a new person. This is what we often call a quantum leap. But just as often - in fact, arguably more often - the process of transformation ends slowly. Like a groundhog peeking it’s head out into the world at the end of winter, seeing snow and burrowing back beneath the earth, we peek out at the new self, feel fear, trepidation, or just plain unprepared, and scurry back below ground for a bit more time in the nurturing void womb space. Often, we do this a few times, poking our heads out of the transformation void, growing our confidence and belief in ourselves until we finally feel ready to take the first step out into the sunlight. And that is when we experience the alchemy of completion. That is when we experience the quantum leap. But when it takes us multiple tries to get there, we have a tendency to downplay it. To say, well, that took a long time. It’s not as impressive as a radical, fast, surprising moment of alchemy and change.

I’ve experienced both processes of transformation. I had a fast, almost instantaneous spontaneous remission from Lyme disease 9 years ago; and I’ve since gone through seasons of slower transformation, including the one I am stepping out of now.

And while I prefer the fast transformation because it’s over more quickly, I admire the longer transformation process more. Because it is harder and can be grueling. It requires commitment to staying the course and seeing the transformation through. It teaches us who we are and what we’re made of in a way that fast, spontaneous transformations don’t.

So if you have been in a season of life where things are tough, remember that this too shall pass. But, don’t try to rush the process. Because I’ve learned that when we try to push through the hard times, trying to force them to conclude faster than the wheels of fate wish to spin, we set ourselves up for disappointment and a sense of failure.

It would be lovely to be able to wave a magic wand and always be in the good times. As we all know, that’s just not how life works. Sometimes life will be tough. My best advice here is to surrender to it. Let it be what it is, even if that’s kinda shit sometimes. Make sure you take time to have fun or to bring play and joy into your life when you can. But don’t try to outmaneuver the hard times. We’ve got to let them play out and run their course. Because run their course they will. And I’m also not saying to just sit back and feel like a victim to difficult times in life. Anything that you can do to unwind the challenges and get out of them, do that. But don’t try to skip the steps of being in the uncomfortable parts because they’re uncomfortable. I notice that when we try to wriggle out of the uncomfortable instead of meeting it, we seem to just end back up in situations that mirror discomfort to us over and over again. And that will keep happening until we stop and sit with the discomfort. Discomfort is meant to be met, not pushed away.

When we meet discomfort, truly meet it in all its ugliness, we break the spell of fear that surrounds it. We grow and integrate our growth, becoming a more peaceful version of self. Discomfort stretches our edges, and sometimes we just have to be with it.

Sometimes discomfort is a signal - “hey this is wrong”. Sometimes discomfort is a reaction - like growing pains. Sometimes discomfort is an invitation into becoming more you.

It’s up to you to decide what kind of discomfort you’re experiencing each time it comes around. But if you can learn to sit with discomfort, without pushing it away, you’ll learn how to distinguish what discomfort is trying to tell you more and more quickly.

And that process is what gets us out, eventually, of the hard seasons. Sitting with discomfort over and over. When discomfort signals something is wrong, we pivot. When discomfort invites us to grow and know ourselves deeper, we lean in and listen. Until one day, the transformation is complete. One day, you realize that you’re not in discomfort anymore. That things are feeling less and less heavy and hard. That you are a different person - no longer carrying the old burdens. And you can stand up, feel the strength of your spirit holding your spine tall, and walk forward into your next chapter, perhaps one of building or thriving or loving (or all three!).

When life is tough, remember that seasons of transformation have a lot to teach us. Remember that you have made it through 100% of the transformations you’ve been through before, and you’ll make it through this one too. Remember that there is no timeline, no race, no competition. Remember that your journey is your own, and that you can’t rush its outcome. You can ask for support, because you don’t have to transform alone - in fact we’re not meant to. We’re meant to transform together, holding and supporting each other.

Transformation, and the times when life is tough, are also initiatory phases. We go through times in our lives that initiate us in a myriad of different ways. For the feminine, we have three strong initiatory phases: becoming the maiden, becoming the mother, and becoming the crone. For the masculine, becoming a man, and then later a king are initiatory phases. And each individual human has their own soul-determined phases of initiation as well. Initiation brings us closer to who we are here to be and is sacred. In fact, reframing tough times as sacred initiations may bring peace and a deeper innerstanding of what you’re going through.

And finally, remember that when life is hard, you don’t have to disregard joy. Joy can always be found, and it’s up to us to remember to look for it. As I started this article, I wrote that the past 3.5 years have been quite tough for me. And while that’s true, they’ve also been full of such joy. I have fallen deeply, joyously in love. I have celebrated the incredible client wins I’ve gotten to witness and be part of with joy. I have experienced joy and play while out in nature. I have learned to find joy even in the most mundane moments. So while this has been a tough season, it has not been joyless.

As I bring this to a close, I invite you to search for joy today. Find ways to bring joy in, even as you sit with discomfort and anything that feels tough.

Transformation happens at its own pace. It’s not always (or often) comfortable. It’s an initiation. A process of alchemy. The pathway to the often-longed for quantum leap.

And it’s a phase that reminds you of the power of joy.

The tough times do end. And please, remember to smile even before they do.