The body always remembers

Somatic Remembrance post surgery

(Note: this article was originally published on my Substack in March 2025).

Yesterday was 8 years to the day I underwent emergency surgery for a massive dermoid cyst on my left ovary that led to me losing said ovary.

Yesterday I felt deep sadness settle into my belly. My partner and I made love in the morning and my womb started breakthrough bleeding which has continued today - only a few drops at a time, but still unusual for me.

As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep last night, I felt pain in my womb. She was contracting, speaking to me, reminding me of her experience 8 years ago.

If you’ve never had ovarian surgery (which I hope you haven’t), let me tell you what surgeons do: in order to have imaging of the ovary, they insert a pelvic ultrasound, which is of course medical penetration of the vagina. They also tend to first do a pelvic exam with fingers to ensure everything is fine and okay to go.

Side note to mention the horrifying stories that have come out in recent years about teaching hospitals having residents practice pelvic examinations on women while they’re under anesthesia, with no consent from the patient. I have no idea if this happened to me while I was under, although it seems possible since I was there for pelvic surgery, but my body certainly has a bit of somatic activation to the idea (which is of course very possibly related to my known history of assault and does not mean anything besides that this possibility is repugnant to consider).

Then, for laparoscopic surgeries like mine was, they make a couple of small incisions on the belly where they can insert their tools for surgery and more imaging. Then they find the ovary, sever it (in my case at least, since they deemed it unsavable), bag it, and pull it out via an incision in the belly button. In the meantime, a lot of internal organs are pushed around or “hit” during this process, something which is enough to cause widespread adhesion in the abdominal cavity. Not to mention the adhesion that forms around the site of the former ovary, the uterine tube, etc.

When the surgeon deemed it necessary to remove my ovary, she assured me that I would feel no impact on my life from its loss. That assurance was absolutely false.

I have felt hormonal shifts post ovary removal which have impacted my health, how I maintain my weight, my libido, my energy levels, and my adrenal glands. I have had massive issues with abdominal pain and adhesions post surgery, something which only in the last couple years have I been able to clear as a result of specific womb-focused bodywork. For years post surgery, I suffered from recurrent, at times crippling, nerve pain along the left side of my abdomen and down into my vagina and vulva. Every time I had sex or orgasmed, I had to hold pressure down on my left lower abdomen in order to feel pleasure over the nerve pain. Even today, when the nerves in this area are activated (which is thankfully rare now), I have pain in my lower back, vulva/vagina, and abdomen.

My experience with complications following the removal of my left ovary has directly impacted my career path as well, leading to my interest in and study of womb shamanism, and my decision to pursue more in depth womb care training, something I will be undertaking this year (I’ll share more info about this in the future).

I am writing this as a reminder that our bodies always remember. They remember the anniversaries of when painful things happened to them. They remember the traumas they went through. And our bodies will remind us, whether through our emotions, physical activation, or something else. In other words, as the oh-so-popular saying goes, the body really does keep the score.

And the best thing we can do during anniversaries or times when the body is activated is to love ourselves through it. I have spent time in meditation and somatic work with my body, giving her space to be heard and offering gentle, loving touch to support her release of these old sensations. I have allowed myself to cry, to feel the sadness. And then I have also pulled myself out of it and reminded my body + mind that we are okay now. That the past is not happening now. That the old pain that once plagued me is gone. And that all truly is well.

I hope this reminds you to take time to listen and tend to your body next time an anniversary of something comes up. Experiencing activation around an anniversary does not mean that you have not done enough healing. It’s simply the body having a somatic experience.

Wishing you lots of blessings this week.