I forgave men

And it set me free

My work is all about teaching women (and the occasional man) how to love the parts of themselves they have pushed away, and how to come back into their Totality, no matter what they’ve done or experienced in the past. I deeply believe that people, can, and do, change and heal. And so why would I choose to continue to hold the belief that anyone who has hurt me, or anyone else deeply, cannot grow, change, or heal?

This profound relief of forgiveness has solidified for me as I have spent the last season learning to deeply love, appreciate, and SEE men. I realized a while ago that there was a small but powerful block at the back of my heart space where I held a deeply buried hatred of men. Yes, hatred. When I examined it, I found where the threads of hatred for men flowed from my life experiences, from my ancestors, and from the collective.

In the process of unraveling this strong, buried emotion, I learned to see how much men provide for me, and for all of us. I finally, finally, forgave my father for not being perfect - something I had held onto for years. Because I saw, with brand new clarity, how much he gives to me, and to the whole family, consistently, and how much he has always supported, provided for, loved, and protected me. Even just writing that sentence, my inner child feels such profound love and safety - that was always there, but which I was unable to accept for so long. Because it wasn’t perfect, because of the painful experiences I’ve had with other men, because of the ancestral trauma that my body has carried, and because of the collective/feminist rhetoric against men that I have heard, consumed, and believed for most of my life.

Furthermore, I learned to see the incredible, good men out there - the men who I believe are the majority. I learned to see where deciding to hold onto any hatred or mistrust of men would be giving in to my wounded little girl inside who was scared of being hurt again. But I am not her, I am now her protector. And it is my job to help her heal - and heal her I did.

I also learned that when I allowed a small seed of hatred for the masculine to live inside me, no matter how “justified” I might be able to claim it was, I kept myself disconnected from my essence. Each human being holds the essence of the masculine and of the feminine. If I am rejecting the very core of the masculine, then I am rejecting the masculine parts of myself, my life force, my sexuality, and my soul. No thanks.

And so, I came to one of the ultimate steps of this healing journey: deciding that I was ready to forgive my rapists. Ready to forgive the ultimate acts of violation that I have ever experienced.

The day that I realized I was ready to forgive was unexpected. But it was there, during my pussy massage practice, I felt the truth in my bones. It’s time to forgive. And so I laid, with a hand on my pussy and a hand on my heart, and I brought each man into mind, and forgave him. And I forgave myself, for holding onto hatred for so long. For any part I had to play in not protecting myself better. And I forgave. And forgave. And forgave.

And then I went to sleep.

I never believed I would ever be able to truly say that I could forgive someone who had violated me in such a profound way.

I believed that I would carry a small piece of defense against them forever. Because how could someone ever deserve forgiveness for something so terrible?

But what I realized was this: if I spent the rest of my life holding anger or fear, even just a tiny bit, that would keep any part of me shielded, then I was doing a disservice to myself.

And choosing to forgive these people is for me. I cannot say “I forgive you” in person to any of them. Perhaps this would be a much harder choice to make if I could do that. Choosing to forgive sets me free. And it sets any energy of anger or resentment that may have been flowing from me towards them, completely free.

Choosing to forgive also means that I am choosing to believe that people can change and grow. I am choosing to hold the hope that what I have experienced is something that none of these people ever does to someone else. I am choosing to believe that people can heal. Even the people who do the worst things in life, perhaps they too can become better people. They may not, but it serves me, and the collective consciousness a lot better if I can send the energy into the world that maybe, just maybe, people can become better.

I used to fear men when I was by myself. If I was walking down the street and saw a man, I feared him. Walking through the gym alone, I put on a bitch face to avoid contact with men. At the grocery store, a restaurant, getting my oil changed, whatever it was I was doing, if a man I didn’t know was there, I was scared.

Now, I feel no fear of men. No, not even fear about the wounded men who are saying, “Your body, my choice,” in the wake of the US election. Because bad men are not the majority. Just like bad women (who do exist, just to be clear) are not the majority either. Instead of putting on a bitch face around men I don’t know, to try and “keep them from my power” that I was sure they would try to steal, I smile at men. I am kind, polite, warm. I make conversation when appropriate, I am generous with my kindness and I try to radiate the energy of respect. And you know what’s happened? Men reflect the same energy back to me, consistently.

Because when we approach each other with love, we receive love back.

You may not be ready to forgive in the same way I have, yet. But I hope that this share perhaps helps you examine what grudges, hatreds, distrust etc. around men you may hold, and helps you be open to the idea that it might be time to dismantle them.